"What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly whatit does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" With its' diet of keycaps, mouse-balls and Ethernet terminators, the Aardvax can be a potentially serious pest in computer installations I used to think that the brain was the most important part of me. Then I realised who was saying this. That is why they invented pagers. Attach pager to coffee cup, when lost, dial pager and listen for tone. -- Paul, a.t-s.r "If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting." -- #133, The Evil Overlord List The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware geek with a program patch and a luser with an idea. -- anon There are some Darwinian cul du sacs I'd rather not venture down. "I am dyslexic of borg. Your ass will be laminated" I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- Escher Better to teach a man to fish than to give him a fish. And if he can't be bothered to learn to fish and starves to death, that's a good enough outcome for me. -- Steve VanDevender, 1 May 2000 If you give a man a light, he will be warm for a while. If you set him alight, he will be warm for the rest of his life. -- anon I have trouble juxtaposing the words "good" and "morning" at ANY time. Possibly as "Good God, it's Morning", but... The words "good", and "morning" do not belong in a sentence with the first refering to the second, without the appropriate negation (implicit or explicit). Mixing the words slightly, you get "Good morning, it's God," which I find appropriate for any bofh. A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful. -- Roger M. Firestone A PC takes the guesswork out of it. So does a bikini -- anon,asr "My mother made me a lesbian" "Oh goody! If I buy her the wool, will she make me one too??" -- Rodger Donaldson on asr Don't take life so seriously, it's not permanent. On the 1st day, the Lord said, "Let there be vodka!" and there was and it was good. On the 2nd day, the Lord said, "Let there be Light!, No..... too much light" Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. -- Dr. Karl Bowman At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow Recently a friend gave me a pornographic video and said that I'd like it, but I don't know how to watch it. I don't have a pornograph. -- Peter Moylan in alt.usage.english Think carefully grasshopper for the problem of choosing your problem may be the problem of your choosing. -- Ian McKellar 1999 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last -- Charles deGaulle Satanism way: "We hope bad shit happens to all of you." "We will make your shit happen." "What's wrong with shit happening?" "SNEPPAH TIHS." You don't even want to know how terrifyingly fertile I am. There have been times when I've been convinced that my sperm are individually equipped with tiny Leathermen, lockpicks & climbing gear. Lionel May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. The difference between ignorance and stupidity is that it is stupid to desire to remain ignorant. -- anonymous Don't underestimate the vikings. They'd have gotten longships out to the moon if they thought there was something worth killing, raping, or stealing when they got there. you're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. -- practical cat ,atsr Women aren't as mere as they used to be. -- Pogo Death before dishonour. Nothing before coffee! We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. ....Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew and he'll waste a lifetime.... This email was written using 100% recycled electrons. programming is a race between the software engineers - who strive to produce idiot proof programs, and the Universe - which strives to create better idiots. - programmers' axiom This email has been encoded with double ROT13. Never attribute to malice, that which can adequately be explained by stupidity If you think that chivalry is dead, you are living in the wrong century English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their pockets for loose grammar. ....Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew and he'll waste a lifetime.... Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon filled with backup tapes. root, God, whats the difference? God is more forgiving. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realise you were not asleep. Stress is the confusion that is caused when one's mind overrides one's body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it. We secretly replaced his signature with Bigantium Vacuoso > "From: Bob > To: J. Luser > Subject: Your account is over quota > > Your inbox exceeded sane limits, and has been replaced by this > message. I hope you archived it somewhere, because I didn't. > Have a nice day." -- curiousg@23.org Power = vi You! Shall not! Parse! Copyright is a temporary loan from the public domain today's excuse: E.E.O.C - Equipment Exceeds Operator Capability today's excuse: Dereferenced, generic topology dump My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant life form had no bilateral symmetry and all I got was this stupid Fr*gg*n Shirt. I gather that you are having problems today but death threats only encourage me Archetype: ergo, while the inexorably and irrevocably emerging integral anomaly is to be assiduously avoided. vis a vis, the concurrently pertinent question of contingent affirmation coupled with the grotesqueries of your ... Neato: Whoa! Which pill did you take? -- the sevtrix: Architect's technobabble Being in quarantine is a little like Mystery Science Theater 3000. You feel like a test subject in an experiment to determine exactly how much continuous veiwing of the Cartoon Network will drive a person mad. What is a leet? Is that a type of ferret? my favorite animal is the scapegoat We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile, you will be approximated. No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable. -- Robert Louis Stevenson Travelling at the speed of light is bad for your age. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, don't get caught. If you're going to get caught, I want the photos. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, call me. Bringing peace and harmony to the computer world for more than 5x10^-2 years. Marriage protection: That's like, protecting marriage from people who want to get married? The pen is pointed and asserts itself with delicacy. The brush is soft and asserts itself by illusion. The sword is sharp, and asserts itself with severance. But the rock is just real hard to argue with. 10,000 years was not enough, no lifetime was enough, unless you lived it in such a way as to make it enough. -- paraphrased from Larry Niven No Pity. No Shame. No Silence Don't think, it doesn't suit you. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you. You can have my cynical agnosticism when you pry it from my cold, dead logic. God plays his games, I play mine Do you have enough love in yourself to keep those you love from being hurt? "Tell me, Willie," the Prime Ministor of Manticor said softly, "why anyone but a madman would want my job?" "The word laptop comes from a Latin expression meaning, "Don't drop this." Paul, How to Buy a Computer, 3 dead trolls in a baggie "If you think experts are expensive, wait until you see how much ameteurs cost you!"