Three men robbed a liquor store, and were so excited that they pulled if off, they began jumping up and down and ran out of the store. Sometime later, upon realizing that they had LEFT THE MONEY ON THE COUNTER in all the excitement, they returned to the store -- whereupon the police officers who'd been called to investigate promptly arrested them. ======== This kid is a real thorn in his neighbors' side, because he has a tendency to skip school and to have loud parties with his other little friends who are skipping school during the day. The neighbors call the police all the time, but somehow the kids all manage to escape getting caught. One day there is a really raucous party going on. The neighbors, as usual, call the police to put an end to it. When the police get there, they knock on the door, and only one child is there -- the one who lives in the house. He tells the officers he is the only one home, and he is at home sick. The officers ask for permission to search the house, and he gives them permission. They find no other children. Well, just as the police are about to leave, the ceiling gives way, and a multitude of children fall through, apparently too heavy for the attic floor they had been hiding on. How do you explain that one to Mom? ======== The police get a burglary-in-progress call. The first officer arrives on the scene and is walking around the house investigating. He sees a broken window and speaks into his radio, announcing that he has found what must be the point of entry. As he is talking, a burglar, not bothering to look out the window, apparently goes to make his escape by jumping out the window he broke to get in. He lands directly on the cop. The officer promptly arrests him. Almost immediately after he gets the kid cuffed, another brilliant soul, again not looking out of the window to see what is going on, drops out the window and lands on the cop. The cop promptly cuffs the second one. Turns out there is a third kid in the house. He goes to go out the front door, but sees some more officers and the owner starting to come in that way, so he turns around and -- that's right -- jumps out the same window that his other buddies jumped out of and -- you guessed it -- lands directly on the police officer, who is now out of handcuffs. (He managed to hold the kid until a second officer assisted with another set of handcuffs). P.S. -- The cop was out for two weeks for injuries sustained from the burglars landing on him. ======== This kid goes to his hearing, and the hearing gets continued. The sheriffs are bringing him back to jail, and they have his hands shackled in the front. Somehow, right outside of the detention center, he manages to get a good punch in to the sheriff that is escorting him, and he takes off running and escapes the premises of the detention center. So he goes running down the street, hands shackled and all, and just about gets away. How did they catch him? After getting about 500 yards down the road -- and passing a bunch of miscellaneous buildings -- he sought refuge in the lobby of one of the buildings along the way. The building he selected happened to be the GBI. (Georgia Bureau of Investigations) ======== WHANGAREI, New Zealand (AP) -- A drunken driver who wanted a bite to eat ended up helping police take a bite out of crime. The 21-year-old woman pulled up to a police van on a country road 80 miles north of Auckland on Saturday, apparently thinking the van was selling meat pies (a popular snack food in New Zealand). "Two male passengers got out and sprinted up," said Senior Sgt. Alastair Ward. "They got within a certain distance before pulling up, and one was heard to say 'That's not the bloody pie cart.'" In fact, it was part of a drunken-driving checkpoint. The hungry passengers ran back to the car, but couldn't get away before an officer tested the driver for intoxication. Her breath-alcohol reading was well over the legal limit. The police van had foot-high "Police" signs painted on its sides, and would be hard to mistake for a commercial meat pie cart -- a roving diner on wheels. ======== "Somewhere around Townawanda, NY": A burglar decides to break into a mall by popping the ventilator hood on the roof and dropping down the shaft into the mall at night when everything's quiet. Unfortunately, he picked the grill exhaust for a large restaurant stove. He also got stuck in the shaft and passed out. A day or two later, restaurant workers noticed a very bad smell in the area -- after which a very dead, very cooked burglar was removed from the shaft. ======== Quebec, Canada: Someone tried to hold up a Dunkin' Donuts last year. Needless to say, he got caught. ======== The following is excerpted from the British Sunday Express, giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions: "Tortoise Trophy" To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. "Rubber Cushion" To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together. "British Cup" To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment. "Flying Cross" To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place. "Lazarus Laurel" To Julia Carson, who, as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Subsequent celebrations were shortlived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock. "Silver Bullet" To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him. ======== Resume Bloopers from Robert Half: (These are purportedly real examples from real resumes) * Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: * Responsibility makes me nervous. * They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. * Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. * I was working for my mom until she decided to move. * The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: * While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. * I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: * Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. * My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. * I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: * Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. PERSONAL INTERESTS: * Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: * Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. * Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. * Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. * I'm a rabid typist. * Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation. ======== Assume a guy and a girl start on opposite sides of a room. Once a minute, they halve the distance between them. To the mathematician, they will never meet. To the engineer, they will get close enough for practical purposes. ======== A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The initial measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced." The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house, it will be empty again." ======== Every five seconds, somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby. Our job is to find that woman, and stop her. ======== Earthquakes don't kill people. Overpasses and buildings kill people. -- anonymous civil engineer ======== Don't knock on Death's door. Just ring the bell and run. He hates that. ======== Graffiti About God: Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name. (Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969) God is dead. --Voltaire Voltaire is dead. --God (Odeon Metro station, Paris) God is not dead, he just moved to a better neighborhood. (Unknown) Does God have a navel? (Florida State University) God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. (University of Michigan) ======== After the birth of their third child, my aunt and uncle made a shrewd observation: "When you have your third kid, you have to change from a man-to-man to a *zone defense* ..." ======== On a talk show recently Bob Dole was asked, "Mr. Dole, do you wear briefs or boxers?" He responded, "Depends." ======== For years two brothers -- one a lawyer and the other a deaf-mute accountant -- worked for a mobster. Whenever the mobster and the accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother would use sign language and serve as an interpreter. One day the mobster realized his books were short $3 million. He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this son-of-a-b*tch I want to know where my money is!" The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about. Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this b*stard that he lets me know -- right now -- where the damn money is or I'll blow his brains out!" The lawyer told this to his brother, who immediately explained -- in frantic sign language -- that the money was hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps. "Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster. The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls." ======== After the 30-year-old lawyer died, she screamed at Saint Peter, "How can you do this to me? A heart attack at my age! I'm only 30!" Replied Saint Peter, "Well, Hillary, when we looked at your total billable hours, we figured you had to be a least 95." ======== A lawyer died and immediately went to hell for all his professional sins. As the Devil was leading him closer and closer to the hottest fires, he noticed another lawyer making passionate love to an absolutely gorgeous woman. "Damn it," said the lawyer, "how come I'm going to go down even farther to roast forever while this lawyer gets his eternal way with that beautiful woman? The Devil turned to him and angrily screamed, "And who are you to question that woman's punishment?!" ======== At a cemetery outside of Buffalo three men -- a priest, a physician, and a lawyer -- joined the grieving widow at the services for their dearest friend. The widow asked if each could place an offering in the casket, as this had long been a custom in her husband's family. The priest nodded his head and then said a short prayer before placing a $100 bill in the casket. The physician, nearly in tears, also placed a $100 bill in the casket. Then the lawyer scribbled out a check for $300, put it in the casket, and pocketed the $200 cash. ======== The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner party after breaking away from a woman who sought advice on a health problem. "Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him. "Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services by giving advice." "Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that." When the doctor went to his office the next day to send a bill to the woman, he found a note from the lawyer. It read: "For legal services, $50." ======== Old farmer Brown passes away after a short illness. His estate shows he had a substantial life insurance policy, but the company doesn't want to pay. So the company sends their hot-shot attorney down to contest the policy. During the legal proceedings the hot-shot attorney is questioning the country doctor who signed the death certificate. "Well, Dr. Smith, you were not present when farmer Brown died, so how do you know that he is dead, and not out on some island resort somewhere?" The doctor thought for a while and said, "You know you're right. I wasn't there when he passed away, and at the autopsy I removed his brain and stored it in formaldehyde in a jar in my office, so there's a distinct possibility that he could be out practicing law somewhere." ======== SUBJ: The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) ======== God is Real -- unless declared Integer. ======== Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said, "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said, "Take a close look at it." To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I couldn't see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1 "I cannot understand the fiery letters," I said. "No, but I can," he said. "The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says, 'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'" ======== SUBJ: Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run Chairs & Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shag is good. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with fore paws. Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out, and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season. Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish-N-Glop on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric and color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white-furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "but you allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: 1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. 2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Play: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 am. Reminder: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. ======== SUBJ: Top 14 Signs Your Kitty May Be Planning to Kill You 14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill. 12. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. 3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." 1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines. ======== SUBJ: Excerpt From Diary of a Cat Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another. ======== Compilation from aus.jokes,za.humour,rec.humor.funny, etc. Also on my homepage http://www.islandnet.com/~rpowell/jokepage.html -- Ray Powell Victoria, BC Canada