Scene: a chalet bedroom, 3am.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: Wha? Who? Whassamatta?
Her: Are you asleep?
Me: Have we not already established the futility of asking that question?
Her: So you don't love me?
Me: What? Start over.
Her: I asked if you love me and you said it was a futile question.
Me: No, asking "Are you asleep?" is a futile question.
Her: Why?
Me: Either I am, in which case I can't hear you, or I'm not, in which case
you can go ahead and talk to me without asking if I am. The question itself
is pointless.
Her: But if you answer it, I know you're awake.
Me: But you want to know if I'm awake for a reason, right? You want to ask
another question, right?
Her: Right.
Me: So why not just ask it? If I'm awake, I'll answer. If not, I won't.
Same thing, fewer questions.
Her: So asking if you're awake is inefficient?
Me: Exactly.
Her: I wasn't aware efficiency is a concern in conversation.
Me: Efficiency is always a concern.
Her: So why do you leave the seat up?
Me: Clarify.
Her: Why do you leave the toilet seat up? I always need it down, and you
need it down 50% of the time. Efficiency would require leaving it down as a
matter of practice.
Me: True.
Her: So why doesn't efficiency govern your behavior in the bathroom?
Me: I'm a hypocrite.
Her: That's a defense for anything.
Me: Clarify.
Her: Committing to a principle means abiding by its consequences. If you
adopt rules in one situation, but ignore the implications of those rules in
another...
Me: I'm a hypocrite.
Her: Exactly.
Me: But I admitted that.
Her: That obviates the utility of adopting rules in the first place. If you
can wiggle out of anything by acknowledging hypocrisy, I could kill you and
justify it by saying, "Well, I don't believe in killing people, but I'm a
murderer."
Me: That's interesting.
Her: That's what you say when you can't think of anything else to say.
Me: What?
Her: "That's interesting." Then you say "What?" when I call you on it.
Me: You wanted something when this conversation started, didn't you?
Her: ...and then you change the subject.
Me: Your critique is merely descriptive, and therefore trivial. I know what
I do. Stating it as if you've caught me at something scores you no points.
Her: I just wanted you to know I'm not fooled.
Me: Noted. Now, was there some other question?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: I believe the fact we were just married should answer that question
adequately.
Her: Lots of married people don't love each other.
Me: True. I do love you, as it happens.
Her: Thank you.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Her: It's less fun now that it's legal.
Me: Is that a "no"?
Her: No.