Apologies if you have seen this one before...

>>>WE ARE ONE
>>>
>>>We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
>>>wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
>>>New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we
>>>reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We
>>>are One Nation but divided into many States.
>>>
>>>First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
>>>lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
>>>grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
>>>chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they
>>>think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
>>>
>>>Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
>>>thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
>>>Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of
>>>it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their
>>>cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
>>>
>>>Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
>>>that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
>>>chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
>>>faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
>>>Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
>>>
>>>South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
>>>foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where
>>>else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
>>>Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
>>>Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
>>>drivers to sleep at the wheel.
>>>
>>>Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
>>>claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did,
>>>all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was
>>>the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work
>>>there in the government and business.
>>>
>>>The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
>>>sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru,
>>>and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption
>>>of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
>>>content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of
>>>our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to
>>>flyover it on our way to Bali.
>>>
>>>And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
>>>document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
>>>that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
>>>the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
>>>
>>>Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
>>>
>>>We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
>>>and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
>>>lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in
>>>joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
>>>better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
>>>political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
>>>and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're
>>>whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
>>>
>>>We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
>>>mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
>>>(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We
>>>love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
>>>sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
>>>
>>>And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
>>>cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and
>>>horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the
>>>worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a
>>>pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in
>>>Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or
>>>cameras but chain the pens to the desk.
>>>
>>>Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
>>>pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
>>>sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
>>>
>>>I am, you are, we are Australian!
>>>
>>>P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
>>>Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
>>>HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY

-- 
Toby Harrison
IT Manager
Institute for Child Health Research
website http://www.ichr.uwa.edu.au/
toby@ichr.uwa.edu.au | PH  +618 9489 7969 | FAX +618 9489 7700